ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

You bought into all the marketing about how great life is with a vast social network. You’re on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, all the rest. Everybody wants a piece of you.  

But are you happy? I doubt it. Now you have all these empty relationships with people you don’t even know or like. You forgot what your grandma taught you: quality over quantity.

The good news is that just as easily as you built up your social network, you can tear it down:  

When you are having dinner with somebody, repeatedly interrupt the conversation with long cell phone conversations. You don’t even have to wait for somebody to call — initiate one yourself! Talk away, the longer the better. Then send and receive multiple text messages, completely ignoring your dinner companion, whom you won’t see again.

When you get on a crowded elevator, keep your back to the closing doors and face everyone for the duration of the ride.  Smile.

There’s a guy you know, Peter. He’s unlikable, always bragging about his huge income. And yet you still feel the need to be nice. You greet him every time you see him: Hi Peter. Fortunately for you, his name is Dirk and from then on you won’t have to deal with him. The lesson is that by using incorrect names, you can cut down on your social network. 

On Facebook and Twitter, give a minute-by-minute report of your day, every little detail. Write about how tired you were when you woke up, what you had for breakfast, everything up until you fell asleep snoring with the TV still on. Send lots of pictures of your cat. Write thousands of passionate words on how you feel about Obamacare or about the elections. Repeat that every day. Boom! The “likes” start going away.

When you receive what is called a “spam email” from Christian Mingle, you might consider using a device to the side of your computer that is known as a “mouse.” This “mouse” allows you to click on the “spam email.” You can then click the “delete” button. Boom! No more Christian romance.

For $39.95 you can buy a a Bluetooth headset. Strap it t to your ear and talk about anything you want to very loudly. You don’t even have to turn it on! Have fun. Make it sound complicated. If somebody approaches you wanting to make conversation, all you have to do is point to your headset. Boom! No more meaningless chit-chat.

When you are in a drug store and see somebody you know, pretend you don’t know them. Be obvious about it so they feel snubbed and tell other people what they think of you.

Let’s say you are trapped in a conversation with somebody who is prone to bloviating on and on about their view of blah blah blah this or blah blah blah that. Walk away.

Get a Doberman. Name him Frisky. Walk him around unleashed. As he sprints toward neighbors, say “Oh, Frisky. You’re such a rascal!”